I don't know what triggered it - I think listening to my Spanish music. I've been living and teaching English in China for ten months now and I miss the occasional Spanish I practice at home. The salsa music I was listening today reminded me of other people, other places, and what seems like another life. It suddenly made part of my brain or memory re-open as it was tuned back into Spanish. It's weird how your brain can feel different when you are using different areas of knowledge, like math or a foreign language. Speaking Chinese is so mentally exhausting but also rewarding and I feel like I've exercised mentally if I've made a great effort in speaking. Then when I hear Spanish it's like remembering this world that I am connected to, but never visit here. Even English seems like a distant memory while I'm here. Most of my conversations are watered down for my students so they can understand, and usually I am talking about variations of the same questions. Do you like China?... Can you use chopsticks?...Why are Americans so fat? (That is of course after they've already asked my age and my salary.) I don't blame my Chinese students for asking boring questions - when I try to muster questions even twice as boring and simple in Chinese it's an adventure to another side of the brain, a sometimes infuriating sometimes rewarding experience. At times I feel annoyed that words have to get in the way of understanding. It's sad that I can't really get to know a Chinese person because we can't understand each other's words.
Today I was feeling so separate from other parts of my life. Away from my parents, friends, school, and all else familiar. I don't mind being somewhere where all is unfamiliar - that's an exciting challenge, but I do mind missing out on all that is familiar and beloved. I wish I could be in all places - and even all times - at once. I even feel nostalgia for speaking different languages. Despite the rich and exciting life I'm living now, I can't help but feel like important parts of me are sitting on a shelf somewhere, collecting dust. This chaos of emotion is probably derived from the fact that I will finally be "alone" in China. My good friend was here with me for the first six months, then another friend came and traveled with me for a few months, and now I'm starting at a new school with no previous acquaintances. I guess that's something I've been afraid of, just being me, this little Betsy, with no one at all to whom I can share all my feelings. I see this image of this tiny person in this huge country with nothing tying her down - no groundings.
But then...ring-ring...a new student calls and invites me to dinner and karaoke, and all is well. At least for now, Spanish can wait.
